Vienna Sausages

You know--potted meat?  I just made a Vienna reference in an earlier post and I know I need to share.  Fast forward to Christmas 2007.  I am starting to feel at home in my rented condo.  I was sitting on the sofa drinking a glass of wine and eating my nightly dinner of tortilla chips while watching Gossip Girl.  I got a text from one of the twins.  In my weird sentimental/neurotic manner I saved it:

hey. just wated to say i love you and you you mean alot to us. today at school we had rachels challenge . she was the first person to die at colombine. and they wanted us to go home and tell the people who they love the most and tell them you love em

That was huge for a 15 year old boy to write.  He started to tell me they had decorated the tree and it wasn't the same without me there.  It made me sad and sad turned to mad and mad logged on to Amazon.  Did you know you can buy a case of Vienna Sausages on Amazon for $32 (that includes shipping)? I clicked and selected the gift option.  I entered Pao's address and typed out a card that read: "Merry Christmas Pao! Remember, size DOES matter!"  I am a frequent Amazon shopper, so there was no need to enter my credit card info.  I giggled and went back to seeing what was happening on the Upper East side.

A few days went by and it was now 12/23. I told Sulie what I did. She laughed and then said, "you need to cancel it-NOW." She reminded me that I was not divorced yet and I needed to appear sane.I went on the Amazon site.  My email dinged.  "Congratulations, your order has been shipped and will arrive by Dec 25!" Shit.  Go to kitchen, open bottle of wine.  Pour in glass and drink.  Repeat often.

Christmas Eve:  Sulie is over and we are eating dinner.  I hear my doorbell.  I go downstairs and my lovely neighbor and friend (let's call her Darla) is standing there will her 6 year old A.  A says, "Merry Christmas" and hands me a plate of cookies.  I look at Darla and tell her how hard it has been since this is my first Christmas after "the Event".  I started to tear up.  Little A hugs my legs and says in her cute lisp, "don't cry."  Oy.  I head upstairs while eating a cookie.

Sulie and I finish dinner and clean up.  The phone rings and I see it is my old home number.  I just know it is the boys calling to thank me for their gifts (they open gifts on Christmas eve).  I answer with a cheery "hello!".  John screams, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SENT PAO A FUCKING CASE OF VIENNA SAUSAGES!!!".  All I could do was laugh hysterically.  He then yells, "MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!"

Sing it with me--On the 12th day of Christmas my scorned wife sent to me--24 cans of Vienna Sausages.

Fast forward to the next business day after Christmas.  I call my attorney Phil.  His assistant says he is in court and says he will call back. Later that afternoon Phil calls. I say, "Phil, I did something that was kinda bad...".  "What did you do?", he replies. I tell him my Vienna tale. He calmly says, "that is the funniest thing I've ever heard.  But you have a conscience now and his Name is Phil K.  Next time you want to send a case of Vienna Sausages, call me first.  I will tell you--No!"  I said, "but Phil, it is my goal that he never has another erection!". Phil quietly said, "his erections are no longer your concern."