People, I believe I've got the winning freak match.com story. I went to Pilates today and my instructor (still thinking of a name and picture for her) told me this one. A British guy. Divorced. Cute enough in the picture. They decided to talk on the phone. They start talking about pets. He has 2 dogs. I forget the breeds...something like a Corgi and a Papillon mix. People, get ready. This guy admitted to setting up a web cam so he could look at his dogs while he was at work. WTF!? You know how breathing is very important during pilates? I was laughing so hard that I screwed up the inhales, exhales and holds. I actually think I may have peed a little. What would make him think that was an okay thing to admit? I told her I would have rather heard he liked to fly those weird helicopters or mini airplanes. But wait...that's not all! He also has a yearly pass to Disney and Epcot. NOT sexy.
There is a silver lining to this story. Imagine if he never admitted to the freakish dog cam. Things went well. They went on several dates. Made out. Pledged undying love (or decided they just wanted to get jiggy). They did it at her place the first time. THEN, they go to his place the next time. They do it. She walks into the kitchen in the morning for post coital coffee and she sees the web cam. He then tells her it is set up to watch his dogs and he checks in while at work. THE HORROR!
Now I have even more pre-dating questions to ask:
- Are you married?
- Do you have a dog cam?
- When was the last time you went to Disney?
- If I was to go on myfloridacounty.com would I see that you are married? (it's good to ask the question in several different formats).
- Are you not divorced?
- Do you have a kid or 2 that you forgot to tell me about?
- Do you own a remote controlled airplane, helicopter or car?
- Who's your favorite Disney character. Yell, "GOTCHA!" when he says Pluto.
- Do you go to Orlando a lot?
- Do you have a roommate? If answer is "yes", proceed to follow up question, "is it your wife?"
Okay, if my pilates instructor (let's call her Belle as in Belle in Beauty and the Beast) was a cartoon she would look like this:
Not so much the open leg thing--more the in great shape and sassy thing.
Here's Belle. I had to google "female disney characters". All I could think of was Minnie. Haven't been to Orlando in a while...
My ex to be "Victor" had such a habit (and still does) of picking up the women working at the local Barnes and Noble (he doesn't buy books, just Volkswagon magazine) I would have to ask: do you read? do you actually buy books in the bookstore? Crazy thing is...he knows I go there a few times a week, and my work has a partnership with them, and he thought I would not find out???? Oh, and considering his penchant for women's undies, etc....I would have to ask "do you want to wear my panties"... geez, I don't think I will get any dates that way....thanks to PTSD from my life with that jerk...my questions should make anyone run away from me.
ReplyDeleteAw Penelope, you are a very judging girl! You forgot the question "Do you play Disney tunes in your car on the way to Orlando?". Yes, I should have asked that one!
ReplyDeleteJane--that isa tough one. Perhaps you could cloak the question. Something like, Do you like the silky feel of satin against your skin?"
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