Root Canal at Home Depot

Going to Lowe's or Home Depot (which are interchangeable to me) is like going to the dentist for some people. The parking lot is a maze of contractors with their big trucks that often have the ball things hanging from the back. Is this only in Florida? One moment while I deftly google a picture...yes! "Balls on Trucks" produced this in 10 seconds:

I brace myself as I enter the store with the big lights and blaring intercom. I can NEVER find anything. I look up a the signs on the aisles. They are no help. It never says little stick thingie to tighten the toilet paper roll holder. I now know that is referred to as an "Allen Wrench". There is also the problem of finding someone to help you. The only reason I would choose The Depot over Lowe's is the obnoxious orange vests. I have found that when I go in without makeup, in ripped jeans and a t-shirt I get a much different response rate than I get when I am dressed up in work clothes in full hair and makeup. Which leads me to my trip today to Lowe's. I am going back for the 4th time to get paint to touch up my walls. The first time it was too dark. Then too green. Then too shiny. One of the guys told me just to repaint my walls. Which by the way...when I have sold my last 3 homes I gave the new owners a typed out list of the paint colors, brand and numbers for easy purchasing. Did the mutha fuckas that remodeled and sold my place do that? Hell no. Where is my good paint karma?

I'm going to get up. Fix my hair. Artfully apply makeup and put on a tight, low cut shirt. I will get in the Mini and park next to a Hemi™ in the Lowe's parking lot. . I will block out the blaring lights and sounds. I will walk up to the paint counter with confidence and use my boobs to get quick service. That paint better be right this time.