LadyBugs

I bought some at the nursery yesterday. You keep them in your fridge (yep next to the yogurt) and put them on your plants at dusk. Keeping them in the cold causes them to hibernate. It rained last evening so it was the perfect setting to  release the ladybugs on my plants. I just went out to get the paper. One landed on my arm!

http://everything-ladybug.com/ladybug-facts.html

More than you will ever want to know about the ladybug!

Et Tu, Brut?

Cesar Milan. People either love him or hate him. Sulie and I listened to the beginning of Cesar's Way in the car on Friday. I couldn't get past a prime opportunity to make fun of his accent and how arrogant he sounded. I kept talking over him saying things in a Mexican accent like, "I am so fabulous" at the end of his sentences. I'm not sure why my sister didn't pimp slap me. His focus is on the pack leader and discipline. I get it, but it still cracks me up. He talks about how he mixes the dogs' food up with his hands so his scent will be on the food (to show the dogs who is BOSS). This morning I am going to pour Daisy's food in her bowl and have May stick her paws in it to show that she is the Alpha Kitty!

 I like to call this...Why the fuck are you doing this to me and when is she leaving?

Back to Cesar and his wisdom. His famous tag line is: Exercise. Discipline. Affection. Well let me take you through yesterday and see how I did.

• Daisy and I slept until 11. The only reason she got up was because I told her she had to get up and pee (in a nice voice I asked...like she knew what I was saying).
• I talked to her in baby talk and sang songs to her about my undying love for her while doing weird voices to my cats that they too, were equally important.
• I poured food in her bowl and watched her sniff it and give me the "I would much rather have one of those kick ass treats you keep up there in that jar" look. I gave her a treat, but only after she did the sit and down thing that is so cute.
• It was walk time--Daisy jumps 3 feet in the air with the "Oh my GOD I get to go out, hurry up, must go pee in every yard now!" way about her.
• We walk. Rephrase, Daisy runs ahead as I try to keep her at my side.
• We get back home after a satisfying walk that consisted of smelling other neighbor dogs' butts, barking at cats and leaving her mark within a half mile radius.

I decided I would give Cesar another chance, but I would read him. I skipped the first (I am so fabulous autobiography) chapter and moved on to the meat of the book. Let's just put it this way...if Cesar witnessed yesterday, I think he would have stroked. I had it all wrong. According to him the day should have looked like this:

• Wake up at 0530. Get Daisy up.
• Go for a walk with a small backpack strapped to Daisy for complete workout. Never allow Daisy to walk ahead of me. I am the Pack Leader!
• Return home for food. Make sure to put my hands all in her food so she knows I am the Pack Leader!
• All discipline will be conveyed by Calm-Assertive energy. I will channel Oprah and Daisy will feel it.
• Daisy will be appropriately exhausted from the walk, she will have eaten the food with my I AM THE PACK LEADER scent in it...now I can pet her.

Wink

Does this qualify as a "Tramp Stamp"?

Crab Protection™

Sulie and I drove up to Palatka to hear Amy Dalley play at "Crab Fest 2010". I shit you not. Crab Fest. Palatka. Palatka is on the way to the beach from Gainesville. It is famous for having a Georgia Pacific paper mill and a smell that makes you want to hurl. We drove up yesterday afternoon. We got a room at the Quality Inn right across from the fest. I don't want to sound like a snob, but when it comes to hotels, Penelope has standards. I have travelled for the last 10+ years for work. I have a system. The cover on the bed goes on the floor. I wrap the TV remote with the shower cap (you know guys watch SpankterVision™ with the remote in one hand and their schlong in the other), I never go barefoot (flip flops at all times) and I never stay at a hotel with outdoor entries. That all went out the window last night. This was the kind of place straight out of 1978 where you can walk along and  look into the windows. Creepy. It was where we had to stay, so Crab Protection™ went into effect. You may wonder why I am so paranoid...let's take a crab walk down memory lane to 1988...

My college boyfriend had a job over the summer leading bike tours. We had decided to meet in Daytona when he would be passing through on his trip. We found a delightful hotel room on Daytona beach for $21.95/night. We met, we did what you do when you haven't seen each other in a while. He left early the next morning. I didn't have to be to work until 4 that night, so I decided to sleep in. I woke up around 11:00 am. It was a beautiful sunny day. I opened the curtains to let the sun shine in. I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked at the sheets. There were very tiny little bugs marching across the sheets. I let out a combination of a scream laced with "what the fuck?!" I had heard the urban legends. My friend Teri that waited tables with me had just had them...it was CRABS! (enter the scary music). Okay, this is 1988. There were no cell phones. I looked at the phone on the bedside table. It had all kinds of instructions on calling long distance. All of it translated to--"bitch, this call will be expensive." I threw on my clothes and got into the racing Honda.  I needed to get back to Gainesville! The universe mocked me as I navigated the back roads to Gainesville. There were signs that advertised "Live Crabs" popping up right and left as I sped home. I stopped to get gas and saw a pay phone. I called Teri telling her that I @#$%&*ing had crabs. She told me to calm down and that she had some left over medicine. She said she would bring it to work that night. Great. I drove straight to my Mom's when I got into town. I have not blogged about Jane very much. She was a nurse. She was no nonsense. I walked into her condo and ran upstairs. She saw my face and asked what was wrong. I said, "I have crabs!" and started to cry. She took a deep inhale of her cigarette. She said, "go get a towel, shaving cream, a new razor and meet me downstairs." Jane meant business. I met her in the living room. She said, "the best thing is to shave you completely bare." Mother Knows Best. I assumed the position as the Barbara Bush was removed. I laughed and cried at the same time. She called one of the surgeons she worked for and he called in a prescription for Quell (The MacDaddy of Crab Killers). By now it was getting close to my 4 pm shift at Chili's. I got ready and went into work--White Reebok hi-tops, scrunchie socks, Guess Denim Mini Skirt and Polo Top. Teri gave me the run down on what I needed to do. This was not her first time at the Crab Rodeo. It involved washing everything in hot water over and over again. I believe her direct quote was, "the fuckers don't want to die." I was so horrified. I was so relieved that it was slow that night and I was cut early. I would not sleep in my bed because Teri told me how bad they could get. I bought all new panties. I had no way to call my boyfriend. I didn't know where he was staying (oh to be young again). He called me a few days later. I asked if he had been itching. He said, "yeah, come to think of it..." I filled him in on the complete shave, sleeping on the floor and generalized anger. His trip was due to end soon. I met him in West Palm and we washed all his clothes and I Quelled him (it is a noun and a verb). The trip he was leading was with teens from Europe. They stayed in skanky hotels. He was (and is) a nice guy and I don't think they were sexually transmitted. This was straight up creepy crawlies from nasty bedding. So learn from me people--don't stay at hotels on the beach for $21.95 and throw the top blanket on the floor.

Sleeping Bag $13.00

Pillow $3.49

Pillow Case 2/$4.99

No Crabs

Priceless

Do I laugh or cry?

Okay people, it has come to this...I got a "wink" on match from a cross-dresser:

I can't date someone smaller than me. He/she looks like he/she wears a size 6. We couldn't share clothes or bras.

Seriously... I think it is great that Michelle puts him/herself out there. I wonder if a different dating site is a better forum?

Poetry

Courtesy of my friend Scott...

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's is handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand..
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean..
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother...

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit..

Signs and Love

I am not a long skirt wearing, incense burning, crystal rubbing believer, but I do think there is something to astrology when it comes to compatibility.  I just cut and pasted this:

Pisces: February 19 – March 20 Symbol: Fish

You look to your instincts instead of logic and facts. You are empathetic, intuitive and honest. You go with the flow and choose not to fight the current.

Perfect match: Cancer, Scorpio

Almost perfect: Taurus, Capricorn

Opposites attract: Leo, Libra

Signs to learn from: Aries, Aquarius

Not your destiny: Gemini, Sagittarius

Interesting....

• Never been with a Cancer or a Scorpio.
• Dillhole was a Taurus and I used to think it was almost perfect. A college boyfriend was a Capricorn  and I used to think that was almost perfect. We never fought.
• George is a Leo and that was definitely an opposites attract.
• My first husband is an Aries and I did learn from him. Spencer is an Aquarius and I learned not to date tools like him.
• Gemini is not my destiny. That is an understatement. John killed it for all Geminis in my future. Seriously, I've had guys approach me and when I hear Gemini I make an excuse to haul ass.

There is something to it--my friend AmyD is a Gemini (she says only the good parts) and her hubs is an Aquarius. That is supposed to be a perfect match and they are a perfect match. Ironically, the other perfect match for Gemini is Libra. John is a Gemini and Annie is a Libra. Hmmmm...

I think I will change my match profile to something like "Scorpios and Cancers only need apply". I am sure that will be a winner.

Here's the site I used:

http://www.exploringpsychics.com/love-match.html

A Neighborhood Whale Tail

I took Daisy the Dog of the Century™ for a walk tonight. I had on a ball cap, t-shit and jean capris. I came upon my neighbors that have 2 toddlers. Mom was yacking on the celly while Dad was watching kids. They wanted to pet Daisy. I checked with Dad and we made sure they did the pet nice thing. I've met the Mom at parties and I smiled and waved. She just nodded and faked a smile as she continued to talk on the phone. The husband is always super nice. As I walked away, I wondered what it was all about. I made up stories in my mind--she's stressed, she's tired, she's just a bitch. Whatever.

When I got home I went in the bathroom and I glanced in the mirror. I could see my t-shirt was pulled up a bit in the back and the top of my black lace thong was showing.

it is all crystal clear now...

A walk down junk memory lane

I am thinking I could write a book on being a step parent. Writing this stuff has brought up some things I hadn't thought of in a while. Moving on to "The Camp". There was  a "camp crowd". Most were couples that had been friends with John since college. That also means they knew Annie and had attended weddings, baptisms, and holiday celebrations for 15-20 years. All born and raised in either Baton Rouge or New Orleans. Enter me...born and raised in Florida. Never had a "boil" or ate crawfish. I sounded like a "Midwest Newscaster" according to a Cajun oil rig worker I sat next to on a plane one morning...

• Dan and Maria: Dan worked with us. I still can't decide if he is a good guy or an ass. He was the only one from the group that checked up me after I moved to Florida. My friend Debra made the astute comment--Dan is the longest relationship John has ever had. Maria never tried to get to know me. I did not have biological children so I had no value. She would talk down to me. She would come in the kitchen and show me how to cut tomatoes. She bored me to tears. Dan used to out the moves on women at work meetings. I am fairly certain he is cut from the same cheetah print cloth that John is cut from.
• Mick and Laura: Mick liked me. He did call me while I was still in Louisiana and told me how sorry he was. Laura called me and cried. Still they were the people that stuck with John when he cheated on Annie. They never checked on me again. Laura is buds with Maria. Their conversations made me want to scream. I used to feel like I was gasping for air.
• Todd and Natalie: Todd is the DA for Springfield Parish. A local celebrity of sorts. He is a decent guy. One day we were all out at the pool. I got up to go to the bathroom, Natalie said, "Penelope, bring me a diet coke when you come back." Yessa Massa. WTF? I had fantasies of wearing a maid's uniform when they would come out. Maybe I should have just peed in the pool.

I can't tell you how many times I heard references to the fun times they had with Annie. One day in the pool Laura admitted to me that they were all skeptical of me because I was "another one of John's women." She then told me she saw how the boys loved me and realized I was "different than the others." Gee, thanks.

We would go out there almost every weekend. This meant feeding and entertaining. (Translation, Penelope going to grocery and paying. Penelope making food with my new "friends" sitting at the bar stools critiquing. John making daiquiris and being Mr. Party). Oh my...I have forgotten how bad it sucked. At least they would clean up. I used to beg John to have a quiet weekend. His reply, Baby, these are our friends..." I learned how to host a boil and I can eat crawfish like I was born on the bayou. It is a barbaric affair where newspapers are laid out on the patio table and potatoes, corn and crawfish are poured out. Everyone stands and eats. Have you ever gnawed on a potato while standing? There would be serious discussions on the price of a bushel of crawfish. Were they better at the boil at Alan's last week or at Bobby's the week before? I would want to impale myself on a rusty fork! In retrospect I think it must look like a creepy scene from Lord Of the Flies...

Oh, but this is not the theme of this post. Annie would have weekends at the camp. It was while we weren't out there BUT...She would bring her friends. It was creepy weird. There's our bathroom with my stuff under the sink (hairdryer, tampons, makeup, etc) , the master bedroom with my clothes in the closet and dresser...our bed. YUCK! I told John I felt like it was not respecting the boundaries of our marriage. I felt like it blurred things for the boys. It took a while and John finally  agreed. He had to tell her that things had changed. I never asked how the conversation went. All I wanted was to not feel like a visitor in my own life!

Have you ever looked back at a chapter in your life and wondered how you kept from screaming?

Analyzing

It is so funny how women can analyze and rationalize things. You all know I went on a date last Wednesday night. We met at 7 pm for a glass of wine and left at 10:30 (2 glasses of wine). He seemed interested,it was his idea to get glass number 2 of vino, we laughed and he asked me all kinds of questions about me. As he walked me to my car he said, "let's do this again" and hugged me good night.

So, it is a week later. Nada. I'm okay with it. Here's a cut and paste from my bible, He's Just Not That Into You:

What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter

• An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."

• Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.

• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

• Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.

• "Hey, let's meet at so-and-so's party/any bar/friend's house" is not a date. Even if you live in New York.

• Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

• You are good enough to be asked out.

I think my friend Polly is worried I will be crushed. Betty just texted me, "maybe he is busy?"  My reply, there are too many ways to communicate--text, phone, email. There is no such thing as "too busy." I got a massage today and J told it like it was, "he's a pussy and probably was afraid to just say thanks" (after we met a and instead said goodbye with let's get together talk). 

1. I'm fine
2. There is no such thing as too busy
3. Most likely a pussy

Is it karma for all my screenshots from match????

I always wanted to go to Italy..

Okay people, recall the Italian guy on match that send me an email telling me "you continue to look gorgeous"? Well I was just on there and he IM'd me. I have never replied to any instant message on there, but I was feeling punchy. He is actually very nice. His English is kinda funny. He's been here 7 years. I told him I didn't respond before because I didn't think he was real. He wanted to know why--I said the language and the fact he had such a large age span listed for who he was looking for (I think it was something like 35-56). He said, "that must be why no one responds to me." kinda pitiful. BUT...the skeptic in me wonders if he is a freak. He told me he liked my profile because my smile was adorable. Instead of feeling flattered, I felt like, "what is wrong with him? No one talks like that!" We talked about school--he came here for graduate school. His daughter is fluent in English and Italian, but "speak Italia to me." She also loves shoes. He was nice. I told him I would talk to him tomorrow and that I really needed to get to sleep. In reality I need to watch the final episode of LOST!

I hope he's not like the Ethiopian Prince that needs me to send him money and then I will make a million dollars. He keeps emailing me too.

More Match Joy

Okay, there is a 6 month money back guarantee on match. You have to keep your profile visible and email at least 5 members per month. Tick tock it almost the end of the month....and you know I will not waste money. So just in case, I sent out a bunch of emails tonight. I didn't really seen anyone that blew my skirt up. What I did was brilliant. I found profiles of 5 people that hadn't been on in a while and sent this:

I am writing to you to meet the requirement of 5 emails per month so I can get my money back from this site. It shows you haven't been on in over 2 weeks. La, La, La, La...blah, blah, blah. Okay, I met my quota. 


Look at this hot pocket I found (and I strongly suspect this is another fake profile):

Doesn't he look like a Chippendales dancer?

Junk Memories--Pyramid Marketing Schemes

I promised I would continue with pyramid marketing schemes, the camp and birthdays. Here goes with Pyramid Marketing Schemes:

• Pyramid Marketing Schemes: I have one word, Arbonne. I am fairly confident you all have a friend, family member or co-worker that has tried to sell it to you. Penelope disclaimer--if you sell Arbonne, please don't be offended. I am writing about my experience with Annie selling it. It all started with Annie telling me she was starting to use a great new skin product line. That she had spent money on Obagi and never got results like she got with Arbonne. She said she would give me a starter kit. I told her I was fine with what I was using. I had never heard of Arbonne, but I knew I sounded like some bullshit. I had a facial appointment the next week. I told my girl about it. She died laughing and said that all her clients were asking her about it. She researched the company and it was a typical pyramid deal. I went home and googled it. I was amazed at all the negative posts about it. Mother's Day rolls around. I get a gift bag from Annie. It is the frickin Arbonne Starter Kit!!! She had a lovely note thanking me for being a wonderful step mom to the boys AND an order form for products. Walk to garage, open door, open trash bin, toss bag and contents, go to phone and call Sulie, laugh hysterically. A month goes by and I get an email from Annie asking me if I wanted to order. She has attached a picture of a nasty before and after foot picture that supposedly shows the amazing results of Arbonne. Thanks to google I just found the pictures online!:

I got a solution for nasty ass feet like that--take a shower and scrub them. God, nasty! Needless to say, there was no ordering from me. Instead I forwarded the email to my esthetician for her amusement. She forwarded to her entire spa. It ended up on the breakroom wall.

• Arbonne lost out to a mortgage pay off scheme. John tells me one night that he is going to watch a video on paying off your mortgage really fast. I handled the bills and I would always make extra payments when I could. I had read about what to do to pay your mortgage off in less time. He tells me that Annie is now selling a program where you can pay off a 30 year mortgage in 5 years. I bust out laughing. John says he thinks it sounds good and he is interested. I ask how much this "program" costs. He says, $3,500. I say I have a better idea--send that to Chase. That night at dinner one of the twins tells us that, "Mom wanted me to make sure you are going to her dinner program tomorrow." OMG--she is now using her kids to promote the latest, wacko get rich scheme! I smile and say thank you to H. After dinner I tell John I have no interest in spending my night off listening to a huckster. He gets mad and says I should be more open minded.
• Facial Peels: Now she sells some type of facial peels at "Peel Parties." Lawd.

Another Penelope Disclaimer: Annie was wonderful to me after the whole John debacle. I am recounting our history to put some color on why I felt weird when she just sent me pictures of the boys. As I look back, I realize I could have done a blog on being a new step mom. Now that is a whole other talkshow!

ManGroomer™ update

Do you know that now when I google Mangroomer™, this blog will come up? How funny is that? I wonder if I have eroded Mangroomer™ sales because people are trying to find reviews and instead they find rants about how it is a sign of cheating.

Mangroomer™, it is a noun and a verb.

Pen in the Haystack

Do you ever lose things in your house? Welcome to my life. I am sure I have blogged about the frickin Montblanc pen that I keep looking for. I know that bitch is tucked away in a purse laughing at me. I just did one of those neurotic, mustfinditnow, exercises. I dug through all my purses (again). Here's what I found:

• 7 bucks--cool
• £2 (yay I just figured out how to do the pound symbol). What good is £2 (option 3 by the way) to me here???
• 2 almost brand new pressed powders. Good, but I just bought another one last week...
• Enough tampons to provide feminine protection for the entire state of Florida for the next year.
• Several corks. As in wine. This may not be a good sign...
• A couple of nice lipglosses...excellent.
• Some of my business cards that have "RN" after my name. The last batch they sent me were without the RN. Glad I found those.
• Lots of crumbled up receipts from Target.
• My nice prescription sunglasses (didn't even know I had lost them thanks to new contacts).
• 3 headsets--one set being my nice ones to listen to music. Again, excellent.
• Lots of smashed up PowerBars. I don't even like PowerBars.
• An almost full bottle of Xanax from more than a year ago. Bonus! and an excellent sign that I am not a druggie.
• Lots of gum. My purses smell minty fresh.
• Tons of pens...but not the FUCKING pen I am looking for.

Just like anything in life, that pen will show up when I least expect it!

I went on a match.com date...

I was holding out...I didn't tell you all that I had emailed back and forth with one of the few sane men on match. I am kind of superstitious--like when you don't tell anyone you're interviewing for a job. We met last Wednesday for a glass of wine. He is 52 (7 years older than me), divorced for 2 years, has 3 grown daughters and works in the legal field. We agreed not to talk on the phone. I've found when I did match last year that it works best just to meet at Starbuck's or for a quick drink. You talk on the phone, the guy sounds great and then you meet someone that doesn't look like his picture and has stank breath (true story). And there is the whole voice thing. I spoke to SOB on the phone first. He has a very unmasculine voice that totally turned me off (should have listenend to my gut...), same thing with Spencer (he sounded totally faggy (again, should have listened to my gut...). But then again, John had a great voice and he is a sociopath.

Let me do a quick walk down Internet dating memory lane. These fine stories are from when I dabbled with match and eharmony in early 2008.

• Large, Stank Breath Guy: Don't remember his name. Great on paper, EXCEPT his 2 boys lived out of state with their Mom. I now know that is a red flag for me. He was funny and smart on the phone. Very cute in pictures (yeah, because they were at least 10 years and 50 pounds prior). We met at Flemings. He was late because he got lost (he was new to the area). He was in a minor rage at himself for getting lost. I told him it was okay and then I smelled the breath...I gulped my wine fast. This is funny--I think I blocked it out until now. SOB was coming over after 0900 pm and I needed to get home!  Never saw stank boy again...
• No Eye Contact Starbuck's Guy: This guy is hot. He had e-mailed me a few times and we talked on the phone. He was cocky. I ignored his emails. He pursued. I was bored. I met him at Starbuck's. He lives in St. Pete and was in Tampa for business off of Hillsborough Ave. He asked me where there was a Starbuck's close by. I sent him the address. We met. He kept complaining because he thought it was "in the hood." The whole time his eyes were looking over my shoulder or past my head. I gulped my O.J., smiled and said I had to get back to work. He texted me later and said, :so what do you think?". I replied, "I think you were really distracted." Never saw No Eye Contact Starbuck's Guy again...until, I just saw last week that he viewed my profile on match. He has been blocked...
• The Cat Whisperer: Okay, this one was a HOT POCKET. We went to MacDinton's for drinks. Good voice, good breath, good body. We made out in the parking lot (I was damaged--don't judge me!). We made a date for the following Friday night. We went to Royal Thai. They all know me there. When I went to the bathroom, Tap, the owner said in her Asian accent, "Penelope, he soooo good looking!" We "saw" each other quite a few times. I had a double feature the first night I saw him. We made out (just kissing, mind you) and then I saw SOB later. My sister and I laughed about that one. I ran home and did a costume change and I was ready for the second show...the reason for the name was he would get on the floor naked (post doing it) and talk to my cats). They loved him. One time I walked into my bedroom and all I see is his balls dangling and he's baby talking to May. He was too good looking (there is such a thing) and very neurotic (he'd straighten my pictures, make my bed {freakishly weird} and would constantly tell me things I needed to do to my house). He texted me about 6 months ago. I didn't respond...
• Boring University of Tampa Professor: He bored me. Nuff said...

So, as for the date the other night. I think it went well. We laughed a lot, never had a lull in the conversation and his voice was good. I still have an age hang up that I need to address with my shrink. He is 7 years older than me. He works out, rides his bike, dives and is in good shape. It's not like he came to the date wearing Depends™! He said he would like to see me again. I'll see what happens. I left for Key Largo the next day for a work meeting. I haven't heard from him and I am not sure if that is a bad sign. My work buddy E told me it may take a few days and that the guy may be playing it cool. E is also married and has been with his lovely wife for 20 years. He don't know shit about dating but I do need to blog about him. He is one of the GOOD guys. Stay tuned for that one!

Time for another FREAK

Someone please tell me what the gift bag means?

And his profile:

And yes, Island Dancing and his giftbag have been blocked...

Junk Memories

I'm going to give you some background on my relationship with Annie through the years. It will help make more sense why I questioned motive of her sending the twin's graduation pictures.  

Let's see...John and Annie had 50/50 custody. The boys would come home from school on Friday to our house, be at our house the entire week and get off the bus at Annie's the following Friday. I had met Annie while we were dating. It was a day when we were dropping the boys off at their Grandmother's (Annie's Mom) in Baton Rouge. She and her Mom came out and were really nice. Her Mom hugged John (I took this as a good sign and recall at the time John had told me the marriage ended because they had "just grown apart").

I'm going to bullet point things to keep the timeline straight in my mind:

• Meet in Baton Rouge. Annie looked me up and down and seemed to be very interested in my shoes. I forgot what I had on but you know they rocked!
• Lots of phone calls from Annie to John while we were together. Especially when he was down here visiting me for the weekend. Often the subject of the call would be something non-urgent. One time it was buying new sneakers for the boys. I once asked John if she knew he was in Tampa. He replied, "yes, I always let her know when I come down her in case anything comes up with the boys." The calls would be at all times throughout the weekend. I recall thinking, "I wonder why she is calling about benign things that can hold until Monday?" She would also do this if we were on vacation. It bugged me, but this was the first time I had dated someone with kids.I remember asking John about it. I said something like, does she have to call while we are together if the subjects are not burning? I said I totally understood that the boys would (and should) call whenever they wanted to talk to him, but his ex wife while we were on vacation? He got defensive and told me his boys came first. I was nipped.
• Moving on to when we decided to get married. I had gone to Lafayette several times to go house hunting. John was renting a house from...you guessed it! Annie. We made an offer on a home that was almost finished. It was going to be in the Parade of Homes and the builder was using this one to really sell his work. It was so exciting. The upstairs was perfect for the boys. J would have his own room. The twins would share a room (they always ended up in each other's room at night anyway), there was an office area to do homework and there was a huge bonus room that we had finished as a playroom. Our wedding was in March. The house would be complete one month later. The Parade of Homes was the first 2 weekends in April. The builder had his designer stage the house for the parade. I would move from Florida after the parade. John wanted to surprise the boys. He had told them we were looking for a house, but didn't tell them we had closed on one. On the first Saturday of the parade he took them to a couple of houses. When they got to ours they were saying how much they liked it. He said, "that's great because this is your home!" It was fun--they called me and it was really exciting. I had not seen the completed house yet since I was still in Tampa and dealing with selling my house (this was during the time that bidding wars start before the sign is in the yard. Oh those were the days...) John would send me pictures of the house. I couldn't wait. The next weekend I get an email from Annie telling me how beautiful the house was.  She had gone to the parade and been in the house before me. Call me a bitch, but it bugged me. She started telling me how the designer decorated it and what she thought. I said thank you and swallowed my pissed-off-ness.
• John's birthday is in June (recall he is the epitome of everything bad about a Gemini!). On the morning of his birthday we were in bed and I had brought him his presents. He had gotten a call and he played the VM on speaker thinking it was the boys. It was Annie and her sister singing Happy Birthday. Annie says "Happy Birthday Sweet John." Thank goodness we had already fucked because hearing that dried me right up, if you know what I'm saying and I THINK that you do...
• Several months after I moved there I was in my office doing some computer work. I had taken a shower and had on a robe and my hair in a towel. I heard some talking in the kitchen. It was just me and John there. I creep into the hall and listen. I hear Annie's voice. John tells me to come out and say hello. She's sitting at the island sipping a coffee. WTF? I'm there in a robe with my hair in a turban. I smile and wave and say I need to get ready for work. Similar things happened over the next 2 months. One of the twins rented a movie at Blockbuster and took it to our place. She goes over there while we are gone (the boys had a code they punched in on the garage to get in) and goes upstairs and looks for it in the playroom.  I find out she used the code and went in. Now THAT pissed me off. I told John it was our home and there needed to be boundaries. He agreed and asked her not to do it again. She said she had a late fee at Blockbuster and it needed to be returned...
• The clincher was Christmas. The gift from the boys to John was all the videos from when they were babies/toddlers/elementary were converted to DVD. On the front of each DVD there were still shots of the theme--baptism, birthdays, etc. There were something like 15 DVDs. I can't tell you how many had Annie on the front. The boys were so excited. They loved seeing movies of when they were little with both their Mom and Dad together. Girl, I talked to my close friends. Everyone agreed this was not an innocent gift. One Saturday while John was golfing I got out the DVDs to watch. There was the sonogram of the twins, Annie videoing a new house, her talking to John and calling him "Papa" and "Babe". I had been an new wife and step mom for 6 months. As I got to probably the 6th DVD I was sitting there with tears rolling down my face. The twins in the kitchen banging pots, J running through the house asking "when are the babies getting here?" with John and Annie talking to him. I felt like a voyeur. I felt like an outsider. It sucked. When John got home from golf I told him how the DVDs upset me. I was expecting understanding. Instead I got anger, "how can you be mad that she gave me a priceless gift of videos of my boys?", he yelled. I told him he was missing the point. That she was in 80% of the videos and her voice was in all of them. He said, "fine, I'll put them away." It was tense. 
• I realized at that point I needed someone to talk to. I looked at counselors available on my insurance. I picked one that did not have a name that ended in -eaux and called her. My first question was "are you from Louisiana?" She said "no, Illinois." Sold! I made an appt. Sharon was no Lynn, but she really helped with the struggles of being a new step mom. I told her about the DVDs and asked if I was being unreasonable. I'll never forgot her response, she put down her pen and put her hands in her lap. She said, "Giving those DVDs under the guise that they are from the boys was incredibly narcissistic." Wow. I thought she would say something like, "oh she meant well."
• Many of my appointments with Sharon revolved around setting limits with both Annie and John. I had to deal with a request to watch her dog for 3 days while she and her husband went on vacation. My answer was I didn't think it was a good idea and she should board him. Annie would call John and ask for help setting up new TVs, installing fans, you name it. I would ask what Rickie thought (Annie's husband). John would reply that he wasn't very "handy."

I just looked at the clock and I need to seize the day. I could type for hours. What I listed above goes from April of 2005 to around February of 2006. The next chapter will consist of pyramid marketing schemes, the camp and birthdays. Stay tuned.

Penelope disclaimer--Annie has been great to me after the whole Pao thing. I think we were like 2 soldiers that had been through the same war. We shared the PTSD of John and that was our common ground. However, there is some pathology there!

Mental Junk Mail

Today I came home and got the mail out of the mailbox:

• Oprah mag--good
• Those stupid checks from Discover that they send every week and I keep shredding them
• Electric bill
• Card from Annie

I walked in the door and was greeted by a happy dog that was raring to go for a walk. I tossed the mail and opened the card from Annie. She wrote:

Hi Penelope,

Just a note to say hello!

I know the boys were a BIG part of your life at one time. I wanted you to have a picture of their senior portraits.

Love you,

Annie

Two pictures fell from the envelope. The twins looked like man version of the little boys I met 6 years ago. I stared at the pictures. I wondered if they knew she sent me a card. One of the twins looks just like John. I felt my eyes fill with tears. They were sad/bad/mad tears. Daisy yipped a come on let's GO yip! I headed out and walked with the little dog pulling me forward. I wondered about Annie's motivation. I thought about how many of you commented after the video thing on Mother's Day. 

Now what do I do? An email saying thanks for sending the pictures? They made me sad and I don't know what to do with them other than stuffing them in my desk drawer. Or just ignore it? (not my style). Ugh...

Isn't it Ironic...

• That my new dog Daisy took a dump in my cheated-on-his-wife-and-got-his-girlfriend pregnant neighbor's yard...and there was no bag available to pick it up so it remains in his cheated-on-his-wife-and-got-his-girlfriend pregnant neighbor's yard?

Closure

This one is an oldie but a goodie that my friend L sent me...

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcase.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back..

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........they even took the curtain rods.....

Knocking

I sent Annie an email a couple of days ago telling her about Daisy. She wrote back on Sunday (Mothers Day) and said how cute she was. She asked me if I had and iphone told me they were heading to Baton Rouge (where the boys now live for school and her family lives) and that she would knock me when they got there. I didn't know what knock meant. I googled it under iphone apps and it is an application where you can video something live and your friend can see it on their end. It does not have sound, but it is very cool. I downloaded it and sent Annie my user name. A few hours later I hear a knocking noise from my phone. I click on it and accept the "knock" from Annie. I see a big green back yard and she starts to scan the area. First in view is A. He is one of the twins. He smiles at the camera and makes a peace sign. I feel like I got to know their body language when I lived with them. A's smile was sincere and I feel like the peace sign was like an olive branch. The the camera goes to J. He is the oldest. He is throwing a football. He stops and turns to the camera and waves with a big smile on his face. Then the camera slowly swings over to H. The other twin. The one that would send me so many sweet texts. The one that when I lived there was always my favorite (I know biological parents always say they don't have a favorite. Perhaps I'm wrong, but he was the one that I really connected with. He is also the one that texted me when John told them to not speak to me. H told me "I never thouhgt you would do this to my dad."). The camera went to H and he was sitting at a picnic table with his hand over his forehead and eyes like he was shielding them from the sun. There is a pause and he removes his hand and does a limp wave. The camera then goes to Annie's husband and then to her where she smiles and waves. Then the camera goes off and I get a messgae that she has "left the knock." I sat there quiet for a few minutes. They had all grown so much. It was the first time I had "seen" them since I took John back to court and the judge ruled in my favor about the money he owed me. At that time, A. stayed quiet. J. had sent me an email telling me he understood my anger, but could I please stop the lawsuit and that he loved me. H. simply told me via text that he couldn't beleive I was doing this. Annie had told me that John told the boys, "There will be no money for college now because of Penelope." Annie tried to reason with them that I was getting back what was mine and that John has mismanaged his finances. That was about a year ago and I had not had any contact with the boys since then. I am not sure why Annie did that. I could almost imagine her behind the camera telling the boys, "It's Penelope, smile and wave!"  Watching H. look up with apathy broke my heart. I kept seeing it in my mind the rest of the day. I remembered how they made me a card on the first Mother's Day after John and I married. I got it out and looked at it. Then I just stared out the window a while.

Coitus Hiatus

I get daily emails from Urban Dictionary. Today really resonated with me:

Coitus Hiatus

To have a break from sex, derived from the two words coitus and hiatus.

Allow me to use in a sentence. I am not giving up on men, I have just decided to take a Coitus Hiatus after all the freaks I've met over the last couple of years...

FWB

Don't Date Him Girl

I have got a website for you--Don't Date Him Girl. It is the best. Women post warnings about guys. It is total GIRL POWER! 

http://dontdatehimgirl.com/home/

Here is a screen shot to give you an idea of what it looks like:

I will tell you what...I have been giving apple-shift-4 command a workout lately. What would my blog be without screenshots?  This fine specimen happens to be a guy one of my friends dated last year. He called her today because his present GF read it. Too funny. My friend had forgotten she posted this. She has moved on! Notice the website conveniently directs you where to go for rehab after you read about an alcoholic. Genius!

I am thinking I could come up with a similar site...it would be called Don't MARRY Him Girl. Or better yet, GIRL DON'T YOU KNOW HE IS FUCKING MARRIED?.com

Blink

Since I've been doing the online dating thing, I have noticed that I really have definite opinions about things. I am sure my friends just busted out laughing when they read that.  Ever read the book Blink? Here are the flash thoughts I have when I read a profile:

• Don't drink...shit, another alcoholic. 
• I have 2 kids but they don't live with me...great, a deadbeat dad.
• I don't read or "the last thing I read was your profile"...ok, a dumbshit.
• If they take their picture in the mirror...Ew, don't you have any friends?
• A picture of their Harley, Boat or Car...Probably has a small dick or is in major debt or BOTH!
• They enjoy dancing...Not manly or a cheater (John was a really good dancer).

There could be perfectly reasonable explanations:

• Don't drink...don't like the taste or the feeling. 
• I have 2 kids but they don't live with me...great, they're in college
• I don't read or "the last thing I read was your profile"...ok, still a dumbshit.
• If they take their picture in the mirror...they don't want to tell their friends they're on match
• A picture of their Harley, Boat or Car...they have a big dick and feel their self worth is defined by their possessions.
• They enjoy dancing...They think that is what a woman wants to hear.

Well, Italy is on my list of places I want to visit

Double click on the picture if it is not full screen. I continue to look gorgeous? He stuggkle with english. Do we think this is real???

I may not have a man...

...But I got a dog! I adopted a dog from the Humane Society this week. This was what was listed as her description:

"Hi my name is Shyla and I am an adorable little Chihuahua/ Terrier mix. I only weigh about 8 pounds, but have a big personality. I am currently living in a foster home where they say I am an incredible little dog. Not much is known about my past, but I am a happy and loving little girl. I love everybody and love to be around my humans. I love to follow my humans around the house and just keep them company. I am well behaved and laid back. I am good with the bathroom, good on the leash, and good in the car. My foster parents go to work and leave me loose in the house and I do great. I get along great with dogs my size to great big dogs. I am good with cats as well. I am quiet around the house and wish nothing more than to give you my love and companionship. 

While I have been in foster care, it has been found that I have a collapsed trachea. This is common in small breeds and will not affect me living a long, healthy, and normal life. It is necessary that I remain on Hydrocodone medicine to help alleviate my coughing due to the collapsed trachea. This medicine needs to be taken daily for the rest of my life and is about $15 a month. In addition, it is important that a harness be used on me versus a regular collar. My exercise level should also be more relaxed. All of this combined will help me be comfortable and will lead to me living a perfectly normal life.

I am such a happy and confident little dog that does great with all I meet. My foster parents say that I have been such an easy dog to have in the house. I would do great with most families and would just love to find the home that I can give my huge heart to. 

I called the foster Mom last Saturday and she told me that a family was set to meet Shyla on Tuesday night. She said they told her they had a Shitzu that was sometimes aggressive with other dogs but they wanted to meet Shyla and see what happens. She said they sounded very nice and she told them they could meet. We agreed that the foster Mom would call me if it didn't work out. Operation Shyla then went into full effect. I had her picture on my phone. I forwarded to my friends. There was praying, there was a picture on the fridge at Polly's, there was postive thinking...It was a major test of my patience. On Tuesday night I got a call from the foster Mom--The other dog did not do well with Shyla. She wanted to know if I was still interested! I went on meet her on Wednesday night. She was tiny and cute as could be.  We met in a room to see if it was a "match". I already knew it was as I got on the floor and played with her. I looked at her eyes and knew it!

I suspect it has been evident in my blog postings that I have been kinda sad lately. I'm not sure what it was--I know I have my health, my sissie, great friends, job, house, cool cats...I just felt blah. I was even put on Zoloft. I found that rather than feeling better I was even more blah. Being the typical nurse, I started to wean myself off and THEN I called the doctor to see what she thought. She told me that you can stop Zoloft pretty quick and I did. I totally feel like my old self and I have to say who needs a fucking pill when you have...

I hope my identity is still all incognito since this picture is blurry. By the way--I got the dress at Target! Liberty of London! $34.99!, but I digress.

Let's get to the name: Shyla. I googled it and Shyla Stylez is a porn star.

hmmm...I didn't like it. My niece told me it sounded like when I would do an impression of cajuns with the "how ya doin thar Sha?" Time for a name change. The leash and harness the foster Mom gave me had a daisy on it. There it was--DAISY! Daisy the Antidepressant Dog™!

A Lizard AND He's Overseas

Please tell me you kiss/hug your husband/BF/Wife/GF after looking at this shit! I worry I am posting too many screen shots. It's like an addiction...I say I'm going to quit and then I see something like this!

People...I can't make this stuff up

Labels

I just looked at the labels from my posts and the leaders are Internet Dating and ManGroomer™ with Liar and Special Ops Boy tied for 2nd. 

It has been 4 months since I started blogging. I can tell you with complete honesty that I if I conjure up an image of the Artist Formerly Known as My Husband, my heart rate remains unchanged, my hands don't sweat and my stomach doesn't turn. I just tested it by thinking about when he proposed on bended knee by Terminal A at Tampa International. Nothing. I can remember the night I read his texts to Dao. It all seems so long ago and I just feel nothing towards him. I don't know if it is because I have totally purged every bit of venom I had for him by broadcasting stories of ManGrooming™ and Vienna Sausages... or is it just time. I've heard the urban legends of formulas for getting over a break-up. One of my friends told me it takes 1 month for every year you were together to get over a break-up. Well, that is some bullshit. 

I saw a commercial last night for match.com that said 1 out of 5 relationships starts online. You mean to tell me that Pube Man and Miss IamsoHOT are going to end up in a relationship? Will Alakzam find the love of his life in her apron with nothing else on underneath? Well, that is also some bullshit. 

As for Liars and Special Ops Boy...I thought of him last night when I was watching my favorite chick show, Army Wives. They showed a female colonel talking to her husband and baby girl on a web cam from the Middle East. I am sure he does the same thing with his wife. He is no different that John, Tiger, Jesse James, The Original AssClown, and the liars that many of you had written to me about...I will never understand the ability to put one's own selfish needs ahead of another person. Particularly your wife and children.

I just had a revelation. I don't need to understand it. Why should I? It is not what I am about. Just like I don't understand being a meth head or a NASCAR fan (love you Ali!), why should I understand (i.e. or accept) lying and cheating?

I had to poke the hornet's nest...

Pube Guy has been bugging me all day...The Punisher™ came out in me. I sent him a message and he replied!:

Hmmm

I think the addage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, it's best not to say it all" applies here. Thanks for your input and happy searching.

you said

10 minutes ago

Picture

I am really surprised they let you post the picture with your boxers pulled down and the pubes sticking out. Wouldn't you do better on adult friend finder?

Just wondering..

He got me--except I know adage has 1 d!

Women on match are freaks too

The other night Polly came over for dinner. I made a fabulous salad with mixed baby greens, all kinds of veggies, blueberries and raspberries, topped with shrimp and raspberry vinaigrette dressing. We opened a yummy bottle of Pinot Noir. As we ate the conversation went to men. We started to compare notes on the freaks of match.com. I just realized that could be a TV show like the Housewives of Orange County. The Freaks of Match.com™. I have posted quite a few things about match. I wonder if their secret match.com police are going to start tailing me. I will have to watch for an unmarked car in front of the house. What kind of car would a match.com private eye drive? I am thinking a 1978 Corvette. Red. With flames on the side. Polly had the excellent idea of looking on match and seeing what the women in our age group look like. The lap top came out and I would like to present the winner to you...

Notice she is "currently separated". Her profile is so classic that I must cut and paste for your amazement:

I am strictly looking for the nice guy... (This does not translate to: boring. fat, ugly, etc.) 

The kind that show up when they say they will, and make plans with you in advance. The kind that introduce you to their friends, not because they want to show off, but because they like you so much, and they know all their friends will too... 

About you: 
1) Crack me up...funny guys are HOT 
2) Engaging personality 
3) Intelligent and Educated..smart guys are HOT 
4) Full life and are looking for a complement, not a completion 
5) Great friends and family 
6) Mature and easily able to communicate feelings 
7) Physically Fit/Active..fat guys...not HOT lol 
8) Full set of teeth (your own) ;) 

About me: I am not a girly-girl. So if you are looking for someone that your mother can pass the baton to, I am not your girl. If you are looking for someone you consider a partner, an equal, a yin to your yang (you get the idea) then read on...I am very dry witted and can think of 100 better ways to spend my time than in a mall. 

I was raised by an independent woman and have evolved into one myself. So you won't hear me asking you to carry my packages, or pump my gas, but I am always impressed if you do. 

Tips and Hints: 
1) If we go out on a date and I don't hear from you for 48 hours, I will assume you are "not that in to me." 
2) If you do not have a facebook page, it will not translate to me that you are "too cool," it will translate that you are either (a) have no friends (b) just plain creepy, or (c) have been in a coma for the last 3 years 
3) If you text message me on a Friday with "wut chu doin 2night sexy?" I will not consider this an invitation, I will consider this a booty call, and will treat it as such...click 
4) If you text message me, or email me more than you call me on the phone, I will assume you do not have the time for a date, much less a relationship 

Please save yourself some time if: 
1) you have ever described a wine by its "oaky bouquet" 
2) if you have ever been a "guest" on Cops, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Jerry Springer, Judge Judy, you get the idea.. 
3) you do any drugs other than alcohol 
4) you do not have a job 
5) you are at the gym more than you are at the office (unless you just have a tremendous job, and then the next question is "are you hiring”) 
6) ) Are over 40 and have never been married/been a parent. Especially if your reply is, " I haven't found the "right one" yet." GAG! 
7) you drop words like "sushi," "amazing," and/or "incredible" into your daily verbiage 
8) you do not know what "verbiage" means 

Ahhh this is fun...ok I'll stop