Crab Protection™

Sulie and I drove up to Palatka to hear Amy Dalley play at "Crab Fest 2010". I shit you not. Crab Fest. Palatka. Palatka is on the way to the beach from Gainesville. It is famous for having a Georgia Pacific paper mill and a smell that makes you want to hurl. We drove up yesterday afternoon. We got a room at the Quality Inn right across from the fest. I don't want to sound like a snob, but when it comes to hotels, Penelope has standards. I have travelled for the last 10+ years for work. I have a system. The cover on the bed goes on the floor. I wrap the TV remote with the shower cap (you know guys watch SpankterVision™ with the remote in one hand and their schlong in the other), I never go barefoot (flip flops at all times) and I never stay at a hotel with outdoor entries. That all went out the window last night. This was the kind of place straight out of 1978 where you can walk along and  look into the windows. Creepy. It was where we had to stay, so Crab Protection™ went into effect. You may wonder why I am so paranoid...let's take a crab walk down memory lane to 1988...

My college boyfriend had a job over the summer leading bike tours. We had decided to meet in Daytona when he would be passing through on his trip. We found a delightful hotel room on Daytona beach for $21.95/night. We met, we did what you do when you haven't seen each other in a while. He left early the next morning. I didn't have to be to work until 4 that night, so I decided to sleep in. I woke up around 11:00 am. It was a beautiful sunny day. I opened the curtains to let the sun shine in. I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked at the sheets. There were very tiny little bugs marching across the sheets. I let out a combination of a scream laced with "what the fuck?!" I had heard the urban legends. My friend Teri that waited tables with me had just had them...it was CRABS! (enter the scary music). Okay, this is 1988. There were no cell phones. I looked at the phone on the bedside table. It had all kinds of instructions on calling long distance. All of it translated to--"bitch, this call will be expensive." I threw on my clothes and got into the racing Honda.  I needed to get back to Gainesville! The universe mocked me as I navigated the back roads to Gainesville. There were signs that advertised "Live Crabs" popping up right and left as I sped home. I stopped to get gas and saw a pay phone. I called Teri telling her that I @#$%&*ing had crabs. She told me to calm down and that she had some left over medicine. She said she would bring it to work that night. Great. I drove straight to my Mom's when I got into town. I have not blogged about Jane very much. She was a nurse. She was no nonsense. I walked into her condo and ran upstairs. She saw my face and asked what was wrong. I said, "I have crabs!" and started to cry. She took a deep inhale of her cigarette. She said, "go get a towel, shaving cream, a new razor and meet me downstairs." Jane meant business. I met her in the living room. She said, "the best thing is to shave you completely bare." Mother Knows Best. I assumed the position as the Barbara Bush was removed. I laughed and cried at the same time. She called one of the surgeons she worked for and he called in a prescription for Quell (The MacDaddy of Crab Killers). By now it was getting close to my 4 pm shift at Chili's. I got ready and went into work--White Reebok hi-tops, scrunchie socks, Guess Denim Mini Skirt and Polo Top. Teri gave me the run down on what I needed to do. This was not her first time at the Crab Rodeo. It involved washing everything in hot water over and over again. I believe her direct quote was, "the fuckers don't want to die." I was so horrified. I was so relieved that it was slow that night and I was cut early. I would not sleep in my bed because Teri told me how bad they could get. I bought all new panties. I had no way to call my boyfriend. I didn't know where he was staying (oh to be young again). He called me a few days later. I asked if he had been itching. He said, "yeah, come to think of it..." I filled him in on the complete shave, sleeping on the floor and generalized anger. His trip was due to end soon. I met him in West Palm and we washed all his clothes and I Quelled him (it is a noun and a verb). The trip he was leading was with teens from Europe. They stayed in skanky hotels. He was (and is) a nice guy and I don't think they were sexually transmitted. This was straight up creepy crawlies from nasty bedding. So learn from me people--don't stay at hotels on the beach for $21.95 and throw the top blanket on the floor.

Sleeping Bag $13.00

Pillow $3.49

Pillow Case 2/$4.99

No Crabs

Priceless