The other night Polly came over for dinner. I made a fabulous salad with mixed baby greens, all kinds of veggies, blueberries and raspberries, topped with shrimp and raspberry vinaigrette dressing. We opened a yummy bottle of Pinot Noir. As we ate the conversation went to men. We started to compare notes on the freaks of match.com. I just realized that could be a TV show like the Housewives of Orange County. The Freaks of Match.com™. I have posted quite a few things about match. I wonder if their secret match.com police are going to start tailing me. I will have to watch for an unmarked car in front of the house. What kind of car would a match.com private eye drive? I am thinking a 1978 Corvette. Red. With flames on the side. Polly had the excellent idea of looking on match and seeing what the women in our age group look like. The lap top came out and I would like to present the winner to you...
Notice she is "currently separated". Her profile is so classic that I must cut and paste for your amazement:
I am strictly looking for the nice guy... (This does not translate to: boring. fat, ugly, etc.)
The kind that show up when they say they will, and make plans with you in advance. The kind that introduce you to their friends, not because they want to show off, but because they like you so much, and they know all their friends will too...
About you:
1) Crack me up...funny guys are HOT
2) Engaging personality
3) Intelligent and Educated..smart guys are HOT
4) Full life and are looking for a complement, not a completion
5) Great friends and family
6) Mature and easily able to communicate feelings
7) Physically Fit/Active..fat guys...not HOT lol
8) Full set of teeth (your own) ;)
About me: I am not a girly-girl. So if you are looking for someone that your mother can pass the baton to, I am not your girl. If you are looking for someone you consider a partner, an equal, a yin to your yang (you get the idea) then read on...I am very dry witted and can think of 100 better ways to spend my time than in a mall.
I was raised by an independent woman and have evolved into one myself. So you won't hear me asking you to carry my packages, or pump my gas, but I am always impressed if you do.
Tips and Hints:
1) If we go out on a date and I don't hear from you for 48 hours, I will assume you are "not that in to me."
2) If you do not have a facebook page, it will not translate to me that you are "too cool," it will translate that you are either (a) have no friends (b) just plain creepy, or (c) have been in a coma for the last 3 years
3) If you text message me on a Friday with "wut chu doin 2night sexy?" I will not consider this an invitation, I will consider this a booty call, and will treat it as such...click
4) If you text message me, or email me more than you call me on the phone, I will assume you do not have the time for a date, much less a relationship
Please save yourself some time if:
1) you have ever described a wine by its "oaky bouquet"
2) if you have ever been a "guest" on Cops, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Jerry Springer, Judge Judy, you get the idea..
3) you do any drugs other than alcohol
4) you do not have a job
5) you are at the gym more than you are at the office (unless you just have a tremendous job, and then the next question is "are you hiring”)
6) ) Are over 40 and have never been married/been a parent. Especially if your reply is, " I haven't found the "right one" yet." GAG!
7) you drop words like "sushi," "amazing," and/or "incredible" into your daily verbiage
8) you do not know what "verbiage" means
Ahhh this is fun...ok I'll stop
If you don't cancel your Match.com account asap, I'll do it for you. I can't help but wonder what kind of man replies to that profile. Scary. Just back away slowly from the computer, Miss Penelope. You don't belong there.
ReplyDeleteI know, I know...but it's like looking at a bad wreck. I can't look away!
ReplyDeleteMy, my, she does think highly of herself, doesn't she? God forbid she should have any faults.
ReplyDeleteThat is the very definition of high maintenance. But of course I would never have to worry about her because, well, I am FAT and therefore not Hot (although I am educated, funny, a good friend, mature, etc.). All goes for naught because of a love of pasta. Oh well. LOL. :)
ReplyDeleteShe does seem quite angry...and that's not HOT!
ReplyDeleteSomeone with that many check list items is destined to be very alone for a very long time. I have found that you can't limit yourself to a laundry list of items that are at the core pretty shallow. It's one thing to say "sense of humor" or "good to kids" or "likes to read". You have to have mutual interests and that's important of course, but are you really going to shove someone to the side because they like watching football and you hate football (as an example) or they are "not good looking" (which is subjective anyway)? If one doesn't match you move on? Doesn't seem to work, and you could be missing something really great in the long run. With the exception of the age thing that seems to always be negative, each person I have ever been involved with have been very different in how they look, act; with the one exception of they tend to be "tomboy" types (tree climbers, sports appreciators). This woman here drove me crazy just reading her posting.
ReplyDeleteI am 90% sure I know this gal. I can't see her pictures up close, but from her profile and age, pretty sure she went to school with my brother and I used work with her. And she performed my wedding ceremony!
ReplyDeleteSend me a bigger picture.
- Lisa (I'm back, dropped out of the internets for a while)