I was watching a show that had a wedding scene. They went through the typical vows on the screen. I had a flash back to my first wedding in 1995. My friend's Mom had hired a guy to do a video. I have kept it since it is the only video with my Mom in it. I have it tucked away. I don't think I've watched it since the late 90's. I can still remember the part where I repeat the vow about "forsaking all others". I smile and make a funny face with a raised eyebrow as I repeat the vow. So weird. Are there any times in your life that you can close your eyes and see the scene like it is happening before your eyes at that moment? I can replay that video in my mind's eye. Also my hair, make up and dress ROCKED. And I weighed about 125 lbs...but I digress. I wonder why I was so uncomfortable with that vow. It didn't have to do with me being worried I would cheat. Did I subconsciously think it was inevitable on my husband's part?
I fast forwarded to my marriage to John in 2005. Yes, Marriage #1 when I was 30. Marriage #2 when I was 40. We got married on the beach in Jamaica. I don't remember the vows. I do know that I have rewritten them to meet John's needs:
Do you John AssClown take Penelope Web to be your wife – to live together while all you do is lie – in the estate of why didn't she see the read flags? Will you act like you love her, comfort her when you need her to pay for something, keep her in the dark, in cheating and in lies, for gambling, for drinking, for Adult Friend Finder, for MILF Finder, in bringing other women into your bed, to continually bestow upon her your mind’s deepest sadness, forsaking your children, keep yourself addicted to porn for as long as you shall live?
Can I hear an "I Don't"??
I have gotten lots of emails from women that I don't know personally that read the blog. Some of their stories make my John debacle look like a Saturday cartoon. When I started this back in December, I remember wondering if it would bring up bad feelings and make delay my healing. I say it has helped. I got an email from Annie a couple of days ago with pictures of her new house. I deleted it without opening. I wouldn't have done that without this blog. Several of you in comments and FaceBook helped me see that relationship is not positive. After I just reread this post all I am thinking about is how to get back to my 1995 weight of 125 lbs!
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