Sexual Napalm

Sulie did some more Internet sleuthing. She posted "Just call me Barnaby Jones" on her Facebook status this morning. For you young-uns, Barnaby Jones was a TV show about a P.I. (played by Buddy Ebsen of Beverly Hillbillies fame.) Sing it with me--"Gonna tell you a story bout a name named Jed, poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed..." What prompted more sleuthing you may ask? Last night we hit Season's 52. Then Fleming's. Then Datz's. Cabbed it the whole night. We met a nice 30ish boy at Fleming's. He got me post several glasses of wine. We verbally sparred about the whole Men are Pigs/Women are Crazy debate. He was a nice boy--forgot his name. it might have been Ethan. Whatever. We discussed stories of liars and cheaters. We laughed really hard. He had great insight on marriage and relationships. I wished aI had a girlfriend in her late 20s/early 30s that is looking. He seemed like one of the nice boys (yes, I do believe they still exist). As he and his friends got ready to go, Ethan said, "Come to Blue Martini if you have the courage!" Sulie and I smiled and waved buh bye. Blue Martini is where all the young tools of Tampa congregate. We drank our way back to my house (skipping the Blue Martini, via a cab and our feet mind you). I don't recall going to bed, but it was one of those times when you wake up at 0400 and go in the bathroom and your hair and makeup is still perfect. I love that shit! I allow myself one night of no makeup removal per quarter. Oral hygiene is nonnegotiable. I chugged some water and realized I was wide awake. I read, responded to some emails, and wrote on the bottom of my foot. Sulie saw the light and got up. We started talking and laughing about the night before. I went into the guest room and laid down on the bed talking to her. Now I was starting to feel tired. I recall telling her to get to the point of a story because I was starting to nod off. A couple of hours later I wake up and she's up. I get my lap top and we start talking about the day. Recall that Sulie aka Barnaby Jones can find anything on the Web. She found a criminal record on one of my neighbors. I said, "hey, look up Spencer!" (guy I dated for several months after divorce). Her fingers fly and she busts out laughing. She turns the computer to me. He got married in June of 2009. I howled with laughter. This is the guy that took me to NYC in December of 2008. In January of 2009 is when I told him we shouldn't see each other anymore. He was a bit too twitchy for me. I recall meeting him for lunch in January and him kissing me and telling me he wanted to do me (after he had told me in NYC that relationships are never meant to last). Ugh. We would exchange cordial emails from time to time. He asked me to several Rays games and I always said no (Penelope just says no to sporting events that bore her to tears, especially when the invitee is a bit wacky).  I knew this one had some frayed wires and that I needed to stay away. I am laughing and recounting to Sulie the timeline of 2009. I did a search in my ical because I know I had met him for lunch in the last few months. In September  (9/11 to be exact) of 2009 we met for lunch. I don't usually put things like that in my calendar unless they are planned in advance. So that MUTHA FUCKA met me for lunch when he was married! I would have noticed a ring. It wasn't a date. It was just lunch. I remember I took a book with me because I got there early. He of course criticized the author (Richard Russo--widely acclaimed, but Spencer used any opportunity to try to make himself feel superior). We talked about houses, work, politics, movies. He insisted on buying the lunch (he always had to feel superior). He hugged me. It was a boob hug (you know what I'm talking about!)

So envision me laughing like a mad woman on my guest room bed. I've decided my role in life is to prepare men for marriage. I am Sexual Napalm (how John Mayer referred to Jessica Simpson). Ladies, let me know if you want a guy to marry you...I can fuck him and he's yours! 

I think about all the googly crap Spencer would say to me. How do you get married 5 months to someone after you've gone on trips with me and had me spend the night at your house over and over? He had a toothbrush and make up remover for me in his master bath. EW! Was he dating her then too or better yet, are they both needy weirdoes that meet and decided to get married in less than 6 months. She is a real estate agent. We looked her up. She looks to be close to his age (51). 

People, I am trying to keep my head up. If I don't laugh I will put my head on this desk and cry.