Mind Games

I am taking a meditation class with Sulie. During the first class last on Thursday night we had a guided mediation. We were told that we were walking through a deserted villa. The meditation took you through the villa where you could imagine redecorating it just the way you want. After the meditation we were asked what we saw and what we thought. Everyone smiled and they told stories of beautiful gardens, flowers, beautiful interiors...shit!, all I saw was the kitchen from the house in Lafayette. I would close my eyes and the villa that was supposed to be old and deserted kept coming up as a spotless kitchen. I squeezed my eyes shut and kept trying to get back to the "villa". Where the hell was my villa! Why am I seeing things from 2 years ago? I am done with that--I've moved on! I had an appointment with Lynn on Friday. I told her how all I could see was the kitchen from Louisiana. I could see the computer (where I pulled up all the gruesome adult sites, emails, and Pao's myspace page). I saw the island and the bar stools where the boys would sit and talk to me after school. It was the room I was in as I sobbed to Sulie and Birch on the phone. It was the room where John came in that morning and I screamed at him. Ironically, it was the first room I packed. I started with books and moved on to pots and pans. In my mind's eye I keep seeing the wine refrigerator John insisted on getting. It reminded me that when we met he didn't really drink wine (he was more into appearances). The last day I left Louisiana, I went back into the house to make sure that I had gotten everything. I went into the master closet and their was a duffel bag on the floor. I looked inside and it contained clothes for a trip along with a bottle of one of my favorite Pinot Noirs (from the kitchen that I had bought!)  Ugh. This was before I was calm...I threw away the cologne in the bag, as well as, all the other bottles he had in his bathroom drawers. Okay, I think it is clear what that kitchen symbolizes.

Lynn talks about addressing things that bother you by addressing the sensation. Historically I would look at something like the John situation and go off on what a scumbag he is, cheater, liar, how could he do this to me, blah, blah, blah. If I look at the sensations I had back when I used to think about John, it would be: my chest would flush, my cheeks would burn, my heart would race, my fists would clench and my hands would sweat. Really nice. Very painful. For that type of feeling Lynn told me to think of something that I am completely indifferent to. She uses the example of a big, white moth flying around. She says she would see it and be "whatever." Mine is a baseball game.  Whatever. Total indifference. I flip right on past the channel if there is a baseball game on T.V. I just don't care. That feeling of total indifference is the goal. It sounds too easy, but it works. The key is remembering the sensation you felt and replacing it with the feeling of indifference. Not the event or the person that you made you upset. I need reminding since it is the exact opposite of how I have reacted my whole life. Now when I am aggravated I think to myself, "what is the sensation I'm feeling?"

Lynn said that during my next appointment we will work on erasing that memory of the Lafayette kitchen. She said it would involve me completely redoing that room in my mind.I am telling you the mind is an amazing thing. Bring the eraser on!